I survived the toughest mental challenge EVER!

Fast forward to Saturday, March 21st. I had planned on doing the Spokes and Spurs ride with T3. The prescription was 2 times 44 mile loops with 50 minutes off the bike.

I was excited about riding my new bike on the roads. I heard there was a group starting at 7:30am so I planned my morning accordingly. I woke up at 5:30, ate my whole wheat waffle with peanut butter, and banana. Used the restroom and was out the door and in Liberty Hill by 7:15am. I heard there was going to be a group of girls to leave at 7:30, but later found out that they were doing a different course. I hung out till 8am and started with the group. Dee was planning to ride the 44 mile course, so she kept me company for the first few miles. She later stopped at the first rest stop and I continued on. Chrissie told us, she wanted us to do the whole 88 miles without stopping.

My first loop was good. Great overall. I noticed pretty quickly on that my legs were burning, but took that as I was working hard. I was able to play in my aero bars, make a mental list of all the things I want changed. Around mile 39, I averaged 15.0 mph and let out the biggest "Whoopie!!' It was the high point of my ride. It slowly but surely turned to shit after that.

The hills seemed to be in the later part of the 44 miles, which was fine, but my average mph started to creep down. I finished the 44 miles averaging 14.8 mph. SUPER huge for me! I turned around for my 2nd loop and immediately felt exhausted. I had gone through my three water bottles, all filled with Heed. I need to test out something different for the next ride, like Sustained Energy, just to test it out. I got to the first rest stop and got off the bike to refill. I saw the last of the T3'ers coming back at the end of their ride. As soon as I got on my bike, one of the volunteers said, "You know they're picking up the signs, right?" and I told her thanks, but I had a map. As soon as that volunteer said that, the mental games started. My legs felt shot, I felt tired, it was hot, and I actually kept considering turning around. So I did this back and forth, stop and turn around, don't, stop and turn around, don't. I decided to tough it out. I ended up going through what I'd recount as the hardest mental challenge I've had. In all the marathons, all the races I've done, nothing could have compared to what I went through today.

Knowing that I was towards the end was daunting, but I assumed there had to have been one or two others behind me. I plugged on. During my first loop, my chain had fallen off, but I corrected it with gearing and got it back on without having to get off my bike. I pedaled on, and at each volunteer, I pleaded that I was ok and please don't waste their afternoon waiting on me, I'd be ok. Some cheered, but I really felt bad. I hate being the last one, but I hate it even more when I'm the last one and I know I'm inconveniencing others. So, I pedal, pedal and my legs are toast. They burn, I can't get comfortable, I'm just spent for the day. Most of the signs in the beginning were up, but I used the turn by turns and was fine.

Then the sag wagons... oh the sag wagons. That was another mental low. Having the sag wagon follow you. I just kept pedaling, but was getting frustrated. I kept waving for them to pass me, but they wouldn't. I kept talking to myself. "I can't spin faster, I'm in my easiest gear, please leave me the F alone!!!" They would pass me just long enough to pick up the sign I'd pass, then follow me. It was awful. I kept thinking, should I just quit?? Hell no, I'm almost freaking done. I came up to a hill, my chain fell off, but I couldn't get it back on by gearing and there I went. Per-klunk! I tipped over on my new bike. Scratched my leg, but my ego and confidence were hurt more than anything. I got up and took a breather. I was out of breath and I was mentally and physically EXHAUSTED. And here comes the sag wagon. I feel bad now, but at the time I was beyond frustrated. Here's how the conversation went...

Sag: You ok?
Me: Yes, I'm fine, thanks.
Sag: Do you need some help?
Me: No thanks.
Sag: Oooo, did you fall?
Me: Yes, I'm fine. I just tipped over, I'm ok, really.
Sag: Well, do you need help?
Me: No, please go away, thank you.
Sag: What happened?
Me: Nothing, please. My chain fell off and I'll be fine.
Sag: Let us get out and put your chain back on.
Me: I SAID I WAS FINE. I'M TIRED, I NEED TO CATCH MY BREATH. PLEASE LEAVE!!!!!

They left. I put my chain back on and was back at it. Legs were shot, but I was proud at me for finishing. I only 15 miles left per the sag wagon. I had switched screens on my Garmin because it was playing on me mentally to see my average just spiral down from the 15.0 that I had worked so hard at. Now I was staring at my time and my real pace. I was only going 10-14 mph at best. I just kept plugging along. I kept anticipating that last steep climb and there it was.

I pedaled as fast as I could, shifted up to my easiest gear and spun as long as I could in my saddle. The split second I stood up, my chain dropped and tipped over, yes a second time. I walked my bike to the top of the hill, but the back tire wasn't moving. I tried to get the chain back on, before the stupid sag wagon saw me, and it was jammed in between the bike frame and the chain ring. I pulled pretty hard, but it's all relative to my overall tiredness. Here comes the sag wagon. It was a different one from the one that I felt bad about telling them to screw off. I just threw my hands up in the air. They asked if I was ok, and I told them I gave up and that I needed a ride back.

The two men were nice. I hopped in, he put my bike in the back and chatted. One minute into the drive the radio calls out, "Anyone know the status on the turtle rider??" The passenger says, "Yes, we have her in the truck." Radio says, "Good, now we can pick up the rest of the signs and call it a day." That made me feel AWFUL. I almost and now that I think back, I should have said something. I was already in a mentally low place. The last hour of my ride, I could only thing about the following things.

- I HATE HATE HATE being slow on the bike.
- I'm starting early NO MATTER WHO'S DOING WHAT OR HOW FAR.
- I never ride with ANYONE from T3, so why should I start with them.
- Sag wagons should hide or drive back far enough to where the rider doesn't feel the heat from the engine on their back. It's just not nice and it's mentally degrading.

I got back to my car, loaded the bike, and called Adrian. I had breakdown #3. I just started crying. I was tired, I was defeated, and it wasn't even my fault. I wanted to finish, I'm not a quitter, but I couldn't get my chain unstuck. He told me to run, and I couldn't catch my breath long enough to tell him I couldn't. I was mentally taxed and just wanted to be home. He promised me that running would make me feel better. This is why I love him. He said, "Take a deep breath and run 10 min out and come back and come home." I said, "Ok" hung up and finished my cry.

I put my shoes on and started running. Everyone was done, the parking lot was clear and I left my Garmin in the car, on purpose. OMG, great run. It was just me and the sunshine. I ended up running 5 miles (I drove it to make sure afterwards) and I negative splitted it. I ran sub 10:00's which delighted me, and I could have run farther. I love running, and the thoughts changed. I started thinking about how tough the ride was and what I learned.

I learned that everything I just went through made me a stronger person.
I learned that I was 1.0 mph faster than my previous 80 mile ride.
I learned that even though I got picked up by the sag wagon, I only cut off 8-9 miles from the total course, which means from the 88 I was attempting doing, I got in my 80 miles. 79 is close enough.
I learned that even though the low's seem like you can't get any lower, there's always an up. Things will get better.
I learned that the new bike is going to make me faster, but I need more time in the saddle.
I learned Adrian pushes me and inspires me more than he'll ever know.

Elizabeth must have drove her run course, because I saw her twice and she gave me two huge smiles and "way to go's". That was awesome and totally helped me pick up my step and put on a smile. I was finally back in a happy place and I really appreciate her for that. She even emailed me a "Great Job" email and it's just made my heart smile.

Long day, mentally and physically, but glad I learned some valuable lessons from it.

Good day, in the end :) I'd go back and do it all over again. Next time, I would unclip without toppling over :)

Thanks Elizabeth, T3, and Adrian :)