Well, as fast as some things happen, they change!!!
I got rearended two weeks ago. Stupid jackass wasn't paying attention. I was on Duval, about to merge onto 183 north, and I stopped to oncoming traffic. The jackbutt behind me assumed I had gone and drove right into me!! Hit me pretty hard. My first reaction was, "You've GOT to be kidding me!!!" I pulled over, got out, and the damage was pretty bad. At first, my first intial reaction was, "I guess it's time to get a new car anyways..." I got the guys insurance info and let him leave. I was pretty irritated. I wasn't mean to him, but he apologized over and over. Something about having a rough week and having too much on his mind. Blah blah blah. I called Adrian, but this was the week before Xterra Austin. One of his A races. After finally getting a hold of him, he was on his way out to pre-ride the course. You know you're dating a triathlete when your girlfriend automatically realizes that pre-riding the course is WAY more important than driving to girlfriend and consoling in the wreckage. In full on work clothes and heels, I managed to pull off my bumper that was hanging by one nut/bolt. I put it in my car, and drove slowly home with my hazards on.
Fast forward through crappy week posted previously.... I've got a messy financial past, and without completely revealing my less than stellar stupid younger days, I came to a realization that a car payment right now, just isn't the best idea. This also made me think about my current budget. The one item that I didn't realize was costing me so much money was training. I was told by several Ironman friends that adding up the costs from doing IMCDA would do more harm than good. I never racked up the costs, but off the top of my head, it was several thousands. Who knew $1.99 Gu's would add up?
My conclusion from all this soul searching, budget narrowing, and beyond stressful week was that I can live on less. WAY less. After much heartache, and several ups and downs of "The accident WASN'T my flipping fault, why should I re-arrange my life???", "Insurance companies blow chunks!" (Yes, I know I work for them and have for the past 12 years), and "Do I really like triathlons??". Well, I came to the conclusion that... despite the accident not being my fault, it wasn't and it wasn't intentional. It was an accident. I understand the insurance industry, but do feel jipped. The purpose of insurance is to put the person back in his/her status as BEFORE the accident. Financially, physically, all of the above. To restore them to as close as they were prior to the accident. Before the accident, life was grand, I had a running car, old, but running, AC, legal, radio, etc... After the accident, not enough money to fix car, blah blah blah. I could rant forever on how I feel I got screwed, but it's the past.
I also realized that even though I wasn't verbal about it, I was already mentally succumbing to the bike. In just one month, I was already doubting myself, feeling like a failure, and struggling with the mental aspect of "the bike." I hate it how it grips me, but it does. I did the Run Far Time Trial.. and sucked. I knew I'd suck, but the 2nd time around, I realized that I still sucked, and that burning sensation, and the lack of oxygen, just wasn't worth feeling that way for 20+ minutes. I guess I figured out that I don't have the will become a faster cyclist. As hard as I pushed, I was still at the BOTTOM.
I asked myself, "Why do I train?" I think I train because I want to be more like Adrian. Sounds ridiculous, but it was fun for the 6 months of CDA training to talk about 60, 80, 100 mile rides. It was nice having Adrian proud of me for not giving up and riding for over 8 hours and finishing. It was nice chasing him in the water, getting faster with my overall tri times, comparing notes, doing tri's together, etc. I followed in his footsteps and joined Team Marsh, hoping they could solve my cycling issues. As much as I complain about the accident, it might have been a blessing in disguise. I didn't waste too much of Amy's time, and it helped me figure out what I love most. Running. When I met Adrian, I was running, and was happy doing it. I continued running, joining Team Rogue Season I :) I genuinely looked forward to 20+ mile run EVERY weekend, I looked forward to running with Dee, getting lost, going on adventures. I'd rarely NOT want to run. Granted, I missed workouts, but when I thought about it in general, I never cried because I didn't do a workout, I never cried when someone passed me, I never got upset and thought I couldn't finish when running. Running brought nothing but positives to my life.
Triathlons have done many positives, but the journey getting there felt like I was in a battle. Battle with my mind.
I've rambled on long enough. In short.... If you've stayed this long to read, you'll appreciate the bullet points.
- No more training right now. No more Team Marsh (the timing isn't right for me, BUT I highly recommend Amy & Brandon. They beyond rock and it was the best one month of training that I've ever had. Personal attention, almost daily contact, love love loved the coaching aspect, my heart just wasn't in it.) www.team-marsh.com They have a spot available ;)
- Getting back to running. Trying to wait to rejoin Rogue until after we get back from Hawaii.
- Refocusing at work, I can admit I've been a slacker lately.
- Supporting Adrian to make his Xterra dreams come true. Getting him to his race goals is WAY more fun than me sludging through the same tri and him having to wait an hour at the end for me. Going to also use this supporting as leverage to get him to pace me for the last few miles of my future marathons!
- I am throwing the idea around in my head to go back to school.
- Boston qualifying is back in my sights for 2010 or 2011 :)
- Rogue better watch out, Foho's back!!!!!
- Oh, and CDA2010 might not happen, final decision on that in 2010. But if you'd ask me right now, I'd say "Ain't gonna happen... Been there, done that, I don't think it's for me." and I'm finally ok with that.
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